Love at first sight?

I love my sons. As much as I expected I would. That burning, all consuming love where you would do anything, give anything for them to be happy. I can feel their connection to me. I grew these little people inside me!  They really are the centre of my world - for better or worse.  But was it love at first sight?  No.  I have always felt guilty that I never had that immediate, instant love for these little boys that relied on me for their survival.  Recently this kind of came up in my Mummy Group (dont diss the Mummy group either people!) and I was hugely relieved to learn I wasnt alone in this.

Mr S was born at 32 weeks.  My water spontaneously broke, so we headed in to the hospital.  When we got there the CTG confirmed I was having contractions I just couldnt feel.  I was given a steroid injection to help Mr S's lungs mature, and a pill to stop labour.  Two and a half hours after my water broke I was feeling the contractions and labour was not stopping, so we prepared for delivery.  Mr S was in a big rush, and my labour was 1hr 19min.  I didnt really have time to think about any of it as it was happening.  We got to have a couple of minutes with him before he was taken away to NICU to be hooked up to a CPAP to help him breathe.  I never once feared there would be any complications, or that he would have problems being so prem. I knew he would be fine.  I didnt sleep for 40hrs.  I sat by his humidicrib.  I left to eat.  I expressed colostrum for him.  But what was I feeling??  I was in awe, I was fascinated, I felt detached.  I remember thinking 'is this it?  Is this the 'love' you're supposed to feel the instant you see your baby for the first time?'.  This tiny 2.5kg human grew inside me, he was the culmination of Daddy L & me.  Why was I not crying, overcome with emotion, overflowing with love?  I dont know.  But I faked it.  I thought I was supposed to be head over heels in love with my baby, so I faked it (granted it wasnt hard!) until I realised I wasnt faking it anymore.  I loved him.  He was a beautiful, perfect manifestation of the love between Daddy L & I.  We had been trying and waiting for him for 4 years, and he was finally here!  He really was a miracle.  I dont know if I subconsciously distanced myself because he came so early and the whole time I was being reminded he was early and we didnt know what condition he'd be in (he was perfect), or if it really does or can take time to fall in love with your children.

I spent 10-12+ hours a day in NICU and SCN with Mr S.  I would get up early to express, call the unit to see how his night had been, then head in.  I would just sit with him.  In NICU I could only hold him when the nurses said I could.  Then in SCN he was under Bili lights to help his jaundice so he couldnt be out for too long.  So I would just sit with him, talk to him, watch him.  Take a million photos of him!  I expressed every 2 hours religiously, night and day.  Every morning I would take in container upon container of milk for my baby.  It kind of felt like the only thing I could do for him.  We didnt get to try breastfeeding until he was 2 weeks old.  Then it was only once a day as it was so tiring for him.  He was drop fed the rest of the time.  Then we had a cyclone.  I stayed in the hospital with Mr S whilst Daddy L stayed home with our 2 puppies.  Mr S breastfed all his feeds in that 24 hours.  I felt like a mum.  I felt like we were totally connected and in sync.  I felt like I was everything to him, and he was everything to me.  We needed each other.  We were in love.  Mr S came home a few days later.  We were completely hooked on each other.  I have not spent a night away from him since.  The longest we have been apart is 10hrs or so when I went back to work.  Our breastfeeding journey ended when he was 22 months old, and I was 16 weeks pregnant with Mr J.  Mr S was completely addicted to boob.  I was scared I would end up tandem feeding, and I didnt think I could handle that.  I loved my breastfeeding journey.  It may in fact have been my favourite part of being Mr S's mum some days.  Those days where everything seemed hard, we always got to cuddle and I got to provide him nourishment, and we were able to relax and just enjoy being with each other.  I didnt have the option of just giving up and walking away from him if I was frustrated.  We needed each other so we had to just deal with it.

I think breastfeeding was what I was looking forward to most with Mr J.  I craved that intimacy with my baby, doing something for them that nobody else could.  Also, selfishly, it means that my baby is never far from me.

Mr J was born at term - 37 weeks.  He was in a big rush!!  Daddy L was in Afghanistan, he'd been home for a couple of weeks on leave, but had been gone for 2 weeks or so.  My mum was here, helping me with Mr S.  I started getting swelling at around 35 weeks so had a few visits to get hooked up to the CTG, pee tests, blood tests...  At one point they were talking induction if things got worse.  I was going through the Birth Centre, so really didnt want any sort of intervention.

At 37+4, 12.40am I woke up really uncomfortable and just couldnt sleep, so sent Daddy L a message as he was usually online around then.  Unfortunately this was the one night he wasnt!  at 1am my water broke with a massive pop.  I didnt have any contractions, but based on my labour with Mr S there was no mucking around.  We got to the Birth Centre at 1.25am.  My contractions were on top of each other.  I had wanted a water birth but there was no time to fill the tub, so jumped in the shower.  My wonderful, amazing, supportive midwife was incredible.  My birth really was intervention free.  I wasnt checked for dilation at all.  I had full support of my midwife, my photographer was there, and my mum and Mr S were with me.  My phone rang at 2am - Daddy L had gotten the message that it was all happening.  We had hoped to Skype the birth, but I was a bit busy, and couldnt work my phone and tablet.  Daddy L stayed on the phone until Mr J was born.  I remember saying to my midwife that I felt 'pushy'.  She encouraged me to just do what my body felt it needed to do.  No telling me if I was/wasnt ready.  It was primal, my body doing what it was designed to do.  I felt so supported, and empowered to manage my own birth.  Mr J was born in the shower, with me on all fours, at 2.18am.  We had been at the Birth Centre for less than an hour.  I sat on the floor of the shower in the dark holding Mr J.  Daddy L was on the phone, Mr S was cautiously heading into the shower to join Mr J and I.  Was it love at first sight?  No.  But this time that didnt scare me.  I knew from my experience with Mr S that I would fall head over heels for my newest little boy.  I was pretty exhausted, and incredibly proud of myself giving birth without Daddy L.

We moved from the shower to a big mat on the floor for the 3rd stage of labour.  We had chosen delayed cord clamping, and were not going to artificially induce the placenta.  Now I was able to use my phone and tablet and we Skyped with Daddy L.  He met Mr J on a really dodgy internet video connection from Afghanistan.  Mr J and I were still connected.  It took 45min for the cord to stop pulsing.  I remember consciously including Mr S, I was so worried he would feel left out but he is an incredible little boy.  I was overwhelmed with love for Mr S whilst I held Mr J who was minutes old.

Reflecting on it, I think maybe the realisation that suddenly I was responsible for the health and well being of 2 people overshadowed any other emotion.  I was so focused on doing what had to be done I didnt think about how I felt.

I feel that my relationship with Mr J is more complicated in some ways than my relationship with Mr S.  Mr J didnt breastfeed before we left the Birth Centre, he was too busy sleeping.  We didnt find his cleft palate until he was about 4 days old.  Until then we persevered trying to get him to breastfeed, then syringe feeding when he gave up.  Finding his cleft was a relief in some ways, because it gave me a 'why' for him not breastfeeding.  I felt like slightly less of a failure.  But it also meant I had to deal with the reality of having a cleft baby.  He likely wouldnt breastfeed.  Maybe after his surgery (at around 9 months) we might have some luck, but for now, I wouldnt be able to breastfeed.  I would have to continue expressing and syringe, and now bottle feeding.  We still have nuzzles because I dont want him to forget where his milk comes from, and really hope we will have a breastfeeding relationship one day.

Having had a dream breastfeeding run with Mr S, not being able to have that with Mr J was killing me.  I was in tears every day.  I felt (and sometimes still do) replaceable.  There was absolutely nothing I could do for him that nobody else could.  Sure, I was expressing for him so he was getting breast milk, but he was getting it from a bottle.  Can I say he's breastfed?  He has breast milk...  But he's bottle fed, but not with formula.  I feel disconnected from his feeding. I dont feel the same looking into his face feeding him from a plastic bottle as I did looking at Sam feeding from me.  Mr J has to feed in a more upright position too, so I cant cradle him to feed.  Feeding him is a job, not a joy.  Expressing is horrible, I hate it, but I do it, and will continue to do it as long as I can for him.  Not being able to breastfeed has definitely affected my ability (rightly or wrongly) to connect with Mr J.  

At the same time I feel fiercely protective of him, knowing there is something 'wrong', and he will need surgery.  So that makes me feel immense love and attachment.  But it still feels kind of like pity.  Pity for him having to go through it, and guilt because he grew in my body, but something went wrong.  I know his cleft is not my fault (it is genetic in Daddy L's family), but my body conceived, created and nourished him for 9 months.  It was in my body that he didnt become whole.  We have a long journey ahead, but within 12 months hopefully it will all be over, and he wont remember any of it.  He certainly wont have visible scars from it, he will only know what we tell him about it.

I love my sons with my entire heart and soul.  But was it love at first sight?  No.  I have fallen in love with my boys over a period of time.  I felt guilty about that for the longest time, but now I am at peace with it.  I am reassured that it's not 'abnormal'.  I dont believe in love at first sight any more, because if it was possible, wouldnt it happen with our kids?  I still have moments with Mr S when I dont like him.  He's 2 years old, thats bound to happen as he tests boundaries and pushes my buttons.  But I love that boy to the moon and back.  We always come back to each other with love.  I will no doubt have these moments with Mr J as he gets older too.

And with that, I think I need to go and give my boys some cuddles.  I would love to hear other people's stories, remind me Im not the only one who didnt fall in love at first sight, or if you did, thats pretty darn amazing and I'd love to hear that too!!