Christmas... the season to be...a sheep?

I cop a lot of flack for not being 'into' Xmas. I get called a grinch, a spoil sport, and get scoffed at.  How can one not be into Xmas you ask?  Easy.

Why do we celebrate Xmas? Well that depends on your belief system.  If you are Christian you probably toe the party line and parrot that Xmas is about the birth of Jesus, despite evidence to the fact that this is not a 'fact' (dont get me started on the greatest selling fictional story of all time). You probably havent looked at why December 25 was chosen. Yes, chosen. It had nothing to do with the bible and everything to do with assimilating with existing Pagan holiday of Saturnalia in 4CE, and telling Pagans they could continue their Saturnalia traditions, and the final day of Saturnalia was declared Jesus Birthday in order to add a 'Christian' aspect to the Pagan tradition. In return for ensuring massive observance of the anniversary of the Savior’s birth by assigning it to this resonant date, the Church for its part tacitly agreed to allow the holiday to be celebrated more or less the way it had always been. The earliest Christmas holidays were celebrated by drinking, sexual indulgence, singing naked in the streets (a precursor of modern caroling), etc.

So, do I believe in the story of Jesus and feel the need to celebrate a fictitious birth? No! Do I identify as Pagan and feel the need to celebrate Saturnalia? No! So we can safely say there is no religious reason for me to treat the day any differently to any other day.

Oh but what about the children, wont someone please think of the children, I hear you cry. If we look at the REAL history of Christmas, it is not a day that we would want to celebrate at all!

·        Christmas has always been a holiday celebrated carelessly.  For millennia, pagans, Christians, and even Jews have been swept away in the season’s festivities, and very few people ever pause to consider the celebration’s intrinsic meaning, history, or origins.

·       Christmas celebrates the birth of the Christian god who came to rescue mankind from the “curse of the Torah.”  It is a 24-hour declaration that Judaism is no longer valid.

·        Christmas is a lie.  There is no Christian church with a tradition that Jesus was really born on December 25^th.

·        December 25 is a day on which Jews have been shamed, tortured, and murdered.

·        Many of the most popular Christmas customs – including Christmas trees, mistletoe, Christmas presents, and Santa Claus – are modern incarnations of the most depraved pagan rituals ever practiced on earth.

'Santa Claus' or Saint Nick was was born in Parara, Turkey in 270 CE and later became Bishop of Myra.  He died in 345 CE on December 6^th.  He was only named a saint in the 19^th century. Nicholas was among the most senior bishops who convened the Council of Nicaea in 325 CE and created the New Testament.  The text they produced portrayed Jews as “the children of the devil” who sentenced Jesus to death. 

In 1087, a group of sailors who idolized Nicholas moved his bones from Turkey to a sanctuary in Bari, Italy.  There Nicholas supplanted a female boon-giving deity called The Grandmother, or Pasqua Epiphania, who used to fill the children's stockings with her gifts.  The Grandmother was ousted from her shrine at Bari, which became the center of the Nicholas cult.  Members of this group gave each other gifts during a pageant they conducted annually on the anniversary of Nicholas’ death, December 6.

 The Nicholas cult spread north until it was adopted by German and Celtic pagans.  These groups worshipped a pantheon led by Woden –their chief god and the father of Thor, Balder, and Tiw.  Woden had a long, white beard and rode a horse through the heavens one evening each Autumn.  When Nicholas merged with Woden, he shed his Mediterranean appearance, grew a beard, mounted a flying horse, rescheduled his flight for December, and donned heavy winter clothing. In a bid for pagan adherents in Northern Europe, the Catholic Church adopted the Nicholas cult and taught that he did (and they should) distribute gifts on December 25^th instead of December 6^th.

In 1809, the novelist Washington Irving (most famous his The Legend of Sleepy Hollow andRip Van Winkle) wrote a satire of Dutch culture entitled Knickerbocker History.  The satire refers several times to the white bearded, flying-horse riding Saint Nicholas using his Dutch name, Santa Claus. Dr. Clement Moore, a professor at Union Seminary, read Knickerbocker History, and in 1822 he published a poem based on the character Santa Claus: “Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.  The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in the hope that Saint Nicholas soon would be there…”  Moore innovated by portraying a Santa with eight reindeer who descended through chimneys.

The Bavarian illustrator Thomas Nast almost completed the modern picture of Santa Claus.  From 1862 through 1886, based on Moore’s poem, Nast drew more than 2,200 cartoon images of Santa for Harper’s Weekly.  Before Nast, Saint Nicholas had been pictured as everything from a stern looking bishop to a gnome-like figure in a frock.  Nast also gave Santa a home at the North Pole, his workshop filled with elves, and his list of the good and bad children of the world.  All Santa was missing was his red outfit.

In 1931, the Coca Cola Corporation contracted the Swedish commercial artist Haddon Sundblom to create a coke-drinking Santa.  Sundblom modeled his Santa on his friend Lou Prentice, chosen for his cheerful, chubby face.  The corporation insisted that Santa’s fur-trimmed suit be bright, Coca Cola red.  And Santa was born – a blend of Christian crusader, pagan god, and commercial idol.

So does any of this make me more inclined to think December 25 is different to any other day?  You guessed it, NOPE!  All this hubub and fuss over one day. Forcing people to feel like they have to socialise with people they wouldnt otherwise be around, awkward family get togethers and then the fighting over Christmas customs, the over indulging of food, spending copious amounts of money on things you probably dont need.  I just dont see the point.  There is absolutely NO reason for me to 'celebrate' December 25!  I honestly see no reason to buy into any of the Christmas propaganda.  But hey, if you want to lie to your kids about a fat man who breaks and enters, encourage your kids to sit on a strangers lap and take presents/lollies from them go for it. Nothing to do with me! But for me, I have no desire to perpetuate the theatrics.

We're breastfeeding and booked for surgery!

OK, so I may or may not have warned at the outset that I may not be good at this regular blogging buso.  I have often thought about my blog over the last few months...  So...  to catch up...

The good stuff:
Mr J is now exclusively breastfed!! *holds for applause*  For the last 6 weeks or so he has not had a bottle, I have not had to pump. He is a messy feeder still with milk running out his nose and all over both of us, a towel is a necessary accessory!  He is doing such a great job feeding and I am so proud of him.  We have just started to try and block feed to ensure he is getting plenty of fatty hindmilk because he is using a lot more energy to feed than a non cleft bub, and is not gaining weight.  Whilst this worries me, because lets face it, parenting is all about numbers, I am reassured by the fact that our surgeon and ENT both looked at him, commented he was 'little' and proceeded to announce him healthy.  I never would have thought my 4kg chunker would end up smaller than my 2.5kg premmie!

Mr J is now 6 months old, I know, where did that go??  He is rolling and showing a definite interest in food.  Bottles, no, but food, yeah.  Now we enter the fun food phase, made even more messy by his cleft.  Pureed pumpkin leaks from his nose for hours, a sneeze is a blanket of pumpkin and mucous.  Delightful.  Spaghetti can go in the mouth and out the nose.  Yesterday he stole a hot chip from my plate and mushed it up into his cleft.  He was sneezing chunks of chip and was clearly uncomfortable.  Its now turning into a discussion with the hubster about what to feed him.  Mr S refused purees, he was baby led weaning all the way.  That is what I want to do again.  He is worried about him eating food and choking/getting it stuck in his cleft.  I think we will just have to go with trial and error and Im sure he'll work it out.

I am now remembering why I was consciously trying not to gloat and relish in the fact my baby slept.  For the last 2 months or so he has been up almost hourly at night.  He is up from 20-40min each time, and it is exhausting!  I was hoping against hope that this time round I had a sleeper after the sleepless nightmare of Mr S.  Seems it is not to be.  Dealing with sleep deprivation is even worse with a toddler to deal with I've decided.  At least the toddler is sleeping well now!

My little ranga has now been booked in for his palate repair surgery, and grommets for December!  In the meantime he is ROCKING a bone conductor hearing aid, which is an amazing piece of technology.

In teaser news (in case I dont get around to another post for a while...), Im now 30, Mr S has had a psych evaluation and we get results next week, I failed dismally at the 12wbt and am feeling beyond blah about my body, hubby has been snipped and my days are HARD.  Mummyhood is sure not what I was expecting and most days are a real struggle,  Thats a story for its own post tho.  I'll try and be better, promise!

Get your finger out of there!

Since having Mr S I have found myself saying things I never thought I would...

'Please get your finger out of your butt...  NOOO dont lick it!'

'Wee is not for drinking or splashing in'

'Please don't use your toothbrush on your doodle!'

'Dont stick crayons in your bottom'

'Please stop eating chalk'
'Get your doodle out of your yoghurt!
'Don't put your doodle in there!'
'Dont stick your doodle in the straw!'
'Dont play with your doodle whilst you're sitting on my lap please!'

Are you seeing a theme here??

And daily... 'please leave your clothes on!'.  Mr S is a nudist.  Pants offend him apparently, and shirts are only for going out.  Case in point - Daddy L puts a shirt on, Mr S knows he's going out & puts his shoes on as he runs to the garage telling us which car he wants to go in.  Mr S has readily accepted this life choice.  Keeping clothes on him is a challenge & a half.

Every time I have to say something along the lines of those phrases mentioned above I roll my eyes at myself, and Daddy L giggles.   Seriously.  I actually have to say these things.  I honestly never ever imagined I would be adding this sort of thing to my everyday language.

Does anybody else have any fun mummy phrases they find themselves saying that they never thought they'd hear coming from their lips?!  Please share!

Love at first sight?

I love my sons. As much as I expected I would. That burning, all consuming love where you would do anything, give anything for them to be happy. I can feel their connection to me. I grew these little people inside me!  They really are the centre of my world - for better or worse.  But was it love at first sight?  No.  I have always felt guilty that I never had that immediate, instant love for these little boys that relied on me for their survival.  Recently this kind of came up in my Mummy Group (dont diss the Mummy group either people!) and I was hugely relieved to learn I wasnt alone in this.

Mr S was born at 32 weeks.  My water spontaneously broke, so we headed in to the hospital.  When we got there the CTG confirmed I was having contractions I just couldnt feel.  I was given a steroid injection to help Mr S's lungs mature, and a pill to stop labour.  Two and a half hours after my water broke I was feeling the contractions and labour was not stopping, so we prepared for delivery.  Mr S was in a big rush, and my labour was 1hr 19min.  I didnt really have time to think about any of it as it was happening.  We got to have a couple of minutes with him before he was taken away to NICU to be hooked up to a CPAP to help him breathe.  I never once feared there would be any complications, or that he would have problems being so prem. I knew he would be fine.  I didnt sleep for 40hrs.  I sat by his humidicrib.  I left to eat.  I expressed colostrum for him.  But what was I feeling??  I was in awe, I was fascinated, I felt detached.  I remember thinking 'is this it?  Is this the 'love' you're supposed to feel the instant you see your baby for the first time?'.  This tiny 2.5kg human grew inside me, he was the culmination of Daddy L & me.  Why was I not crying, overcome with emotion, overflowing with love?  I dont know.  But I faked it.  I thought I was supposed to be head over heels in love with my baby, so I faked it (granted it wasnt hard!) until I realised I wasnt faking it anymore.  I loved him.  He was a beautiful, perfect manifestation of the love between Daddy L & I.  We had been trying and waiting for him for 4 years, and he was finally here!  He really was a miracle.  I dont know if I subconsciously distanced myself because he came so early and the whole time I was being reminded he was early and we didnt know what condition he'd be in (he was perfect), or if it really does or can take time to fall in love with your children.

I spent 10-12+ hours a day in NICU and SCN with Mr S.  I would get up early to express, call the unit to see how his night had been, then head in.  I would just sit with him.  In NICU I could only hold him when the nurses said I could.  Then in SCN he was under Bili lights to help his jaundice so he couldnt be out for too long.  So I would just sit with him, talk to him, watch him.  Take a million photos of him!  I expressed every 2 hours religiously, night and day.  Every morning I would take in container upon container of milk for my baby.  It kind of felt like the only thing I could do for him.  We didnt get to try breastfeeding until he was 2 weeks old.  Then it was only once a day as it was so tiring for him.  He was drop fed the rest of the time.  Then we had a cyclone.  I stayed in the hospital with Mr S whilst Daddy L stayed home with our 2 puppies.  Mr S breastfed all his feeds in that 24 hours.  I felt like a mum.  I felt like we were totally connected and in sync.  I felt like I was everything to him, and he was everything to me.  We needed each other.  We were in love.  Mr S came home a few days later.  We were completely hooked on each other.  I have not spent a night away from him since.  The longest we have been apart is 10hrs or so when I went back to work.  Our breastfeeding journey ended when he was 22 months old, and I was 16 weeks pregnant with Mr J.  Mr S was completely addicted to boob.  I was scared I would end up tandem feeding, and I didnt think I could handle that.  I loved my breastfeeding journey.  It may in fact have been my favourite part of being Mr S's mum some days.  Those days where everything seemed hard, we always got to cuddle and I got to provide him nourishment, and we were able to relax and just enjoy being with each other.  I didnt have the option of just giving up and walking away from him if I was frustrated.  We needed each other so we had to just deal with it.

I think breastfeeding was what I was looking forward to most with Mr J.  I craved that intimacy with my baby, doing something for them that nobody else could.  Also, selfishly, it means that my baby is never far from me.

Mr J was born at term - 37 weeks.  He was in a big rush!!  Daddy L was in Afghanistan, he'd been home for a couple of weeks on leave, but had been gone for 2 weeks or so.  My mum was here, helping me with Mr S.  I started getting swelling at around 35 weeks so had a few visits to get hooked up to the CTG, pee tests, blood tests...  At one point they were talking induction if things got worse.  I was going through the Birth Centre, so really didnt want any sort of intervention.

At 37+4, 12.40am I woke up really uncomfortable and just couldnt sleep, so sent Daddy L a message as he was usually online around then.  Unfortunately this was the one night he wasnt!  at 1am my water broke with a massive pop.  I didnt have any contractions, but based on my labour with Mr S there was no mucking around.  We got to the Birth Centre at 1.25am.  My contractions were on top of each other.  I had wanted a water birth but there was no time to fill the tub, so jumped in the shower.  My wonderful, amazing, supportive midwife was incredible.  My birth really was intervention free.  I wasnt checked for dilation at all.  I had full support of my midwife, my photographer was there, and my mum and Mr S were with me.  My phone rang at 2am - Daddy L had gotten the message that it was all happening.  We had hoped to Skype the birth, but I was a bit busy, and couldnt work my phone and tablet.  Daddy L stayed on the phone until Mr J was born.  I remember saying to my midwife that I felt 'pushy'.  She encouraged me to just do what my body felt it needed to do.  No telling me if I was/wasnt ready.  It was primal, my body doing what it was designed to do.  I felt so supported, and empowered to manage my own birth.  Mr J was born in the shower, with me on all fours, at 2.18am.  We had been at the Birth Centre for less than an hour.  I sat on the floor of the shower in the dark holding Mr J.  Daddy L was on the phone, Mr S was cautiously heading into the shower to join Mr J and I.  Was it love at first sight?  No.  But this time that didnt scare me.  I knew from my experience with Mr S that I would fall head over heels for my newest little boy.  I was pretty exhausted, and incredibly proud of myself giving birth without Daddy L.

We moved from the shower to a big mat on the floor for the 3rd stage of labour.  We had chosen delayed cord clamping, and were not going to artificially induce the placenta.  Now I was able to use my phone and tablet and we Skyped with Daddy L.  He met Mr J on a really dodgy internet video connection from Afghanistan.  Mr J and I were still connected.  It took 45min for the cord to stop pulsing.  I remember consciously including Mr S, I was so worried he would feel left out but he is an incredible little boy.  I was overwhelmed with love for Mr S whilst I held Mr J who was minutes old.

Reflecting on it, I think maybe the realisation that suddenly I was responsible for the health and well being of 2 people overshadowed any other emotion.  I was so focused on doing what had to be done I didnt think about how I felt.

I feel that my relationship with Mr J is more complicated in some ways than my relationship with Mr S.  Mr J didnt breastfeed before we left the Birth Centre, he was too busy sleeping.  We didnt find his cleft palate until he was about 4 days old.  Until then we persevered trying to get him to breastfeed, then syringe feeding when he gave up.  Finding his cleft was a relief in some ways, because it gave me a 'why' for him not breastfeeding.  I felt like slightly less of a failure.  But it also meant I had to deal with the reality of having a cleft baby.  He likely wouldnt breastfeed.  Maybe after his surgery (at around 9 months) we might have some luck, but for now, I wouldnt be able to breastfeed.  I would have to continue expressing and syringe, and now bottle feeding.  We still have nuzzles because I dont want him to forget where his milk comes from, and really hope we will have a breastfeeding relationship one day.

Having had a dream breastfeeding run with Mr S, not being able to have that with Mr J was killing me.  I was in tears every day.  I felt (and sometimes still do) replaceable.  There was absolutely nothing I could do for him that nobody else could.  Sure, I was expressing for him so he was getting breast milk, but he was getting it from a bottle.  Can I say he's breastfed?  He has breast milk...  But he's bottle fed, but not with formula.  I feel disconnected from his feeding. I dont feel the same looking into his face feeding him from a plastic bottle as I did looking at Sam feeding from me.  Mr J has to feed in a more upright position too, so I cant cradle him to feed.  Feeding him is a job, not a joy.  Expressing is horrible, I hate it, but I do it, and will continue to do it as long as I can for him.  Not being able to breastfeed has definitely affected my ability (rightly or wrongly) to connect with Mr J.  

At the same time I feel fiercely protective of him, knowing there is something 'wrong', and he will need surgery.  So that makes me feel immense love and attachment.  But it still feels kind of like pity.  Pity for him having to go through it, and guilt because he grew in my body, but something went wrong.  I know his cleft is not my fault (it is genetic in Daddy L's family), but my body conceived, created and nourished him for 9 months.  It was in my body that he didnt become whole.  We have a long journey ahead, but within 12 months hopefully it will all be over, and he wont remember any of it.  He certainly wont have visible scars from it, he will only know what we tell him about it.

I love my sons with my entire heart and soul.  But was it love at first sight?  No.  I have fallen in love with my boys over a period of time.  I felt guilty about that for the longest time, but now I am at peace with it.  I am reassured that it's not 'abnormal'.  I dont believe in love at first sight any more, because if it was possible, wouldnt it happen with our kids?  I still have moments with Mr S when I dont like him.  He's 2 years old, thats bound to happen as he tests boundaries and pushes my buttons.  But I love that boy to the moon and back.  We always come back to each other with love.  I will no doubt have these moments with Mr J as he gets older too.

And with that, I think I need to go and give my boys some cuddles.  I would love to hear other people's stories, remind me Im not the only one who didnt fall in love at first sight, or if you did, thats pretty darn amazing and I'd love to hear that too!!

Lest We Forget

There is nothing quite like standing in the breaking light, with a crowd of people, and listening to The Last Post.  Those moments when you let your mind wander, thinking of what was, what is, and what might be.

Today, ANZAC Day 2013, is the day Daddy L was originally due home from Afghanistan.  Tonight he would have been meeting now 4 week old Mr J for the very first time.  Instead, he got to come home (thanks to a wonderful boss) when Mr J was only 1 week old.  This is just one thing, albeit the biggest thing, Daddy L has sacrificed in his service.  We will never get the birth of Mr J back to have together.  But that's OK.  I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful birth photographer (check out Rachel McLaren Photography on Facebook), and Daddy L was on the phone for the whole 18min of labour (dont hate, lol) and heard Mr J's first cry.  We then got to Skype once Mr J was born and I could work my tablet.  

Giving birth whilst your partner is on the other side of the world is not ideal by any means but there are worse things. My baby got to meet his daddy, and he won't remember that daddy wasn't here. Some kids sadly aren't so lucky. So i am thankful for that. Daddy L has missed countless birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions & 2 Christmases due to the 'green mistress'. For all of the things he miss it can be easy to forget everything he gives. He loves Australia with such passion that he is prepared to sacrifice for her. He goes along (with minimal complaints) with whatever his mistress demands. 

Will he be Army for life? I don't know. Army will always be part of our lives regardless. Daddy L will never get those missed family times back. I will remember the 6 months Mr S & I had just each other whenever i think of him as a toddler. Whenever i think about my pregnancy with Mr J I will remember that i did it without Daddy L by my side. When I think about the birth of Mr J I am proud to be a strong army wife that was able to do that without Daddy L physically there. 

All defence families have a story. Sometimes we resent the sacrifices. On days like today we are reminded what those sacrifices mean on a larger scale. I could not be more proud of Daddy L and his commitment & dedication. Our boys will grow up knowing what their Daddy has given up for them. They will learn about the history & tradition of the ANZAC legend. They will also soon be awarded their own medals for being kids of deployments. 

So that all being said, how did we spend ANZAC day? Daddy L chose to spend the day with the reason he makes sacrifices - his family. We reflected as a family on the sacrifices made before us to ensure the way of life we now enjoy. We reflected on the sacrifices Daddy L has made. We spent the day enjoying each other. 

I am very proud of Daddy L, and whilst some days I resent the green mistresses, I am proud to be part of her family. I hope everyone took some time today to think about our brave ANZACs, whether you attended a dawn service, march, or just in your own way at home.

They shall not grow old as we that are left grow old;

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning,

We will remember them.

Lest we forget

Daddy L 'meeting' Mr J for the first time

Mr J is 4 weeks old today, and a chubby 4.6kg <3

Some time for ME!

Since becoming a mum I never have me time.  I am never alone.  Mr S has not been away from me for longer than working hours since coming home from hospital.  When he was little that was exactly how I wanted it.  My tiny little premmie dude was attached to me 24/7.  He is a Mummy's Boy to the extreme.  I never had any desire to let him out of my sight.  I remember when he was a couple of months old I went out by myself to use a voucher I had gotten for a massage.  Mr S stayed home with Daddy L.  I was gone for just under 2hrs.  It was horrible.  I was not one of those Mums who was able to be away from her baby.  His attachment to me was clearly reciprocated.  I was completely and totally in love with this little person and I could control the fact he couldn't leave me.  Plus we were breastfeeding and he was feeding every 2hrs or so, so I had a great excuse not to leave him.  We don't have any family nearby, nobody to babysit, so even having time alone with Daddy L, dinner and a movie, was not an option.  Mr S and I were completely and utterly attached to one another.  For a long time the only people I saw were Mr S and Daddy L.  I was quite OK with that!

Then Mr S grew up.  He went from being my placid sleepy baby, to an inquisitive crawler getting into everything.  Then he was walking and talking.  His personality was really coming out.  He learnt 'no'.  He required entertainment and interaction every waking moment.  He became exhausting.  Dont get me wrong I still adored my growing little boy, but suddenly I was feeling like I needed a break.  I started missing 'me' time.  I couldnt even go and get a wax without him. He was always THERE.  I forgot what it was like to leave the house without nappies and a change of clothes.  I suddenly started getting 'it' when I heard other mums talking about doing things on there own.  Previously I hadnt understood it, I'd held my tongue and wondered how they could want t be away from their precious babies.  Now, I get it.  I love being with my boys, but man, I really appreciate those few moments I get to myself.  

These days Mr S thinks Im part of the furniture - literally.  I can be having a cuddle with Mr J and Mr S has to sit on me.  He has no concept of personal space.  If I am sitting down, Im fair game.  I love his affection, he is an incredibly loving little boy.  But sometimes, I just cant stand being touched anymore.  I just want to sit on my own, without anyone touching me or needing something from me.

Now with the 2 boys my time is never my own.  If I manage to sneak off to have a shower on my own I count that as a win.  Dont get me started on being able to go to the toilet on my own!

Needless to say, I have come last in the list of priorities.  Buying things for me, doing things for me...  None of it happens.  In the last 2.5 years I have had 2 haircuts.  I think I've only had 4 or 5 'beauty' (read waxing) appointments.  I dont have anything I get to do just for me.  Daddy L plays footy (AFL).  He gets to go out and train twice a week, and play once a week.  Its something he enjoys and does without a second thought.  I have nothing.  I dont have anywhere I go, or anything I can do that means I get to get out and do something for ME.  This has to change.  I need my boys to know that I feel worthy of spending time on.  I need to remind myself that I deserve to come first sometimes.  I am worth it.

I have signed up for the 12wbt.  I am part of a new mummy group to get fit and healthy.  I need to put me first to make it successful.  I went for a walk yesterday, only 1km, but I left the house on my own with the sole purpose of doing something for me.  The result (besides my insanely sore legs) - Mr S chucked a tantrum and threw his watch, smashing it on the tiles.  Sigh.

Today, I had over 3hrs doing something for me.  I got my hair done!  First time in a loong time, and man, I went all out!  And I feel like a new woman, I love it.  I need to look after me more often :)

Discrimination is NOT ok

I know not everyone will agree with my position on this, but I don't care! My blog, my opinion.

Gay marriage. Or as i prefer to call it marriage. I am completely in favour of marriage equality. I am not ashamed to say it. Quite frankly I dont understand people that oppose it. Most often it is possible so call themselves Christians. It makes me want to scream & shout at people. How can you say you are all about peace, love & acceptance but then be PROUD to say you agree with institutionalised discrimination? Marriage is not exclusive to Christians. It wasnt even 'created' by Christians. 

I should also add here I am not a fan of religion. I do not believe in the indoctrination of vulnerable people, especially children who are told what to believe from an incredibly young age. I don't have a problem with people making an informed choice for themselves. I cant stand seeing kids being brainwashed from birth. I happen to think the Bible is a best selling book of fiction. However if either of my boys decided he was Christian, and had actually considered it fully, understood what it meant & was making an informed choice they would have my never ending support despite my own feelings on religion. I have no intention of introducing religion to the boys until they have the cognitive capacity to make informed & educated opinions. But I digress.

NZ has legalised gay marriage. This is a fabulous step forward, one i hope Australia will soon follow. Looking back at history things that at the time seemed completely reasonable, are now seen as discriminatory & we are ashamed people thought it was ok. This is how we will look back on the legalisation of gay marriage in 20 years.

The time is now to stand up & acknowledge that 'gay' marriage is no different to marriage. Allowing any 2 consenting adults in a loving, committed relationship to be married in no way detracts from my marriage, or makes it worth any less. All it does is grant them the same rights i, and many others, take for granted.

The most quoted opposition i have seen is from Leviticus 18:22 "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination."

Leviticus also opposes a long list of things Christians are happy to dismiss, or ignore:

Leviticus 19:27 reads "You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard." - sorry guys, no bowl cuts

Leviticus 11:8, which is discussing pigs, reads "You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you." - oops, no football, sorry! Or worse - no bacon!!

Leviticus 19:28 reads, "You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord." - what, no tattoos?!!

Leviticus 19:19 reads, "You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together." - rules out a lot of clothes!!

For a more comprehensive list (credit to http://leviticusbans.tumblr.com/post/23730370413/76-things-banned-in-leviticus)

Here’s chapter and verse on a more-or-less comprehensive list of things banned in the Leviticus book of the bible. A decent number of them are punishable by death.

Unless you’ve never done any of them (and 54 to 56 are particularly tricky), perhaps it’s time to lay off quoting 18:22 for a while?

1.       Burning any yeast or honey in offerings to God (2:11)

2.       Failing to include salt in offerings to God (2:13)

3.       Eating fat (3:17)

4.       Eating blood (3:17)

5.       Failing to testify against any wrongdoing you’ve witnessed (5:1)

6.       Failing to testify against any wrongdoing you’ve been told about (5:1)

7.       Touching an unclean animal (5:2)

8.       Carelessly making an oath (5:4)

9.       Deceiving a neighbour about something trusted to them (6:2)

10.   Finding lost property and lying about it (6:3)

11.   Bringing unauthorised fire before God (10:1)

12.   Letting your hair become unkempt (10:6)

13.   Tearing your clothes (10:6)

14.   Drinking alcohol in holy places (bit of a problem for Catholics, this ‘un) (10:9)

15.   Eating an animal which doesn’t both chew cud and has a divided hoof (cf: camel, rabbit, pig) (11:4-7)

16.   Touching the carcass of any of the above (problems here for rugby) (11:8)

17.   Eating – or touching the carcass of – any seafood without fins or scales (11:10-12)

18.   Eating – or touching the carcass of - eagle, the vulture, the black vulture, the red kite, any kind of black kite, any kind of raven, the horned owl, the screech owl, the gull, any kind of hawk, the little owl, the cormorant, the great owl, the white owl, the desert owl, the osprey, the stork, any kind of heron, the hoopoe and the bat. (11:13-19)

19.   Eating – or touching the carcass of – flying insects with four legs, unless those legs are jointed (11:20-22)

20.   Eating any animal which walks on all four and has paws (good news for cats) (11:27)

21.   Eating – or touching the carcass of – the weasel, the rat, any kind of great lizard, the gecko, the monitor lizard, the wall lizard, the skink and the chameleon (11:29)

22.   Eating – or touching the carcass of – any creature which crawls on many legs, or its belly (11:41-42)

23.   Going to church within 33 days after giving birth to a boy (12:4)

24.   Going to church within 66 days after giving birth to a girl (12:5)

25.   Having sex with your mother (18:7)

26.   Having sex with your father’s wife (18:8)

27.   Having sex with your sister (18:9)

28.   Having sex with your granddaughter (18:10)

29.   Having sex with your half-sister (18:11)

30.   Having sex with your biological aunt (18:12-13)

31.   Having sex with your uncle’s wife (18:14)

32.   Having sex with your daughter-in-law (18:15)

33.   Having sex with your sister-in-law (18:16)

34.   Having sex with a woman and also having sex with her daughter or granddaughter (bad news for Alan Clark) (18:17)

35.   Marrying your wife’s sister while your wife still lives (18:18)

36.   Having sex with a woman during her period (18:19)

37.   Having sex with your neighbour’s wife (18:20)

38.   Giving your children to be sacrificed to Molek (18:21)

39.   Having sex with a man “as one does with a woman” (18:22)

40.   Having sex with an animal (18:23)

41.   Making idols or “metal gods” (19:4)

42.   Reaping to the very edges of a field (19:9)

43.   Picking up grapes that have fallen in your  vineyard (19:10)

44.   Stealing (19:11)

45.   Lying (19:11)

46.   Swearing falsely on God’s name (19:12)

47.   Defrauding your neighbour (19:13)

48.   Holding back the wages of an employee overnight (not well observed these days) (19:13)

49.   Cursing the deaf or abusing the blind (19:14)

50.   Perverting justice, showing partiality to either the poor or the rich (19:15)

51.   Spreading slander (19:16)

52.   Doing anything to endanger a neighbour’s life (19:16)

53.   Seeking revenge or bearing a grudge (19:18)

54.   Mixing fabrics in clothing (19:19)

55.   Cross-breeding animals (19:19)

56.   Planting different seeds in the same field (19:19)

57.   Sleeping with another man’s slave (19:20)

58.   Eating fruit from a tree within four years of planting it (19:23)

59.   Practising divination or seeking omens (tut, tut astrology) (19:26)

60.   Trimming your beard (19:27)

61.   Cutting your hair at the sides (19:27)

62.   Getting tattoos (19:28)

63.   Making your daughter prostitute herself (19:29)

64.   Turning to mediums or spiritualists (19:31)

65.   Not standing in the presence of the elderly (19:32)

66.   Mistreating foreigners – “the foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born”  (19:33-34)

67.   Using dishonest weights and scales (19:35-36)

68.   Cursing your father or mother (punishable by death) (20:9)

69.   Marrying a prostitute, divorcee or widow if you are a priest (21:7,13)

70.   Entering a place where there’s a dead body as a priest (21:11)

71.   Slaughtering a cow/sheep and its young on the same day (22:28)

72.   Working on the Sabbath (23:3)

73.   Blasphemy (punishable by stoning to death) (24:14)

74.   Inflicting an injury; killing someone else’s animal; killing a person must be punished in kind (24:17-22)

75.   Selling land permanently (25:23)

76.   Selling an Israelite as a slave (foreigners are fine) (25:42)

So from all that - Christians just get 'homosexuality is a sin, they shouldn't be allowed to get married - Leviticus says so!' REALLY!???? I do not, and will not ever understand how you can select which parts matter and which ones you can just ignore. Either the Bible is the word of God & is a literal life instruction to follow, or it's not. If it's not, then what gives anyone the right to blatantly, proudly discriminate against a group of people? You are cherry picking parts of an old book to suit what you want to believe.

I am proud to be part of the generation that will hopefully stand up & say 'enough is enough' and we will not stand for discrimination based on sexual orientation.

This is something i feel really strongly about, and feel so uncomfortable when i see posts on Facebook condemning NZ & proudly saying they are against gay marriage because that's what the Bible says. I am disgusted really. Its like people saying ' I'm not racist but...' and whatever follows is invariably a racist remark.

And that's my soapbox! I have to stop or this could go on forever, if you got this far - well done, and thank you!

Decisions, decisions...

My dilemma this morning - which to deal with first: vomit covered baby or poo covered toddler? The poo covered toddler won.

My first night alone with the 2 boys, and I'm exhausted. Mr J has been a good sleeper so far, only getting up maybe twice a night. Last night he was up hourly.  Of course, right! So come 5am and I've had maybe 3hrs of broken crappy sleep. Mr S decides it's time to get up. I bring him back to bed, hoping for maybe half an hour of quiet in the still dark. Mr J however had other plans. Moments later he & i, and my bed are covered in what appears to be litres of milk, spewing from his little mouth & nose. So much for some more quiet time. Strip the bed. Get a load of washing on. Come out of the laundry to find Mr S naked & on the potty. Mr J is on a towel covered in a never ending stream of vomit. So who gets attended to first? No brainer - the toddler with poo hanging off his butt. He goes to the potty and does 2 more poos in the following minutes. This is how poo time works for Mr S. Keep it coming in dribs & drabs until there is absolutely nothing left. It's frustrating.

Everyone is as close to clean as we're going to get at this stage. Migrate to the lounge room in the dark. Feed Mr S his morning porridge. Give him the seconds he asks for. Watch him lather it all over himself like moisturiser. Chuck him in the shower. Feed Mr J. Get Mr S out of the shower. Chase Mr S around trying to dry him as he runs away giggling. Clean up more vomit from Mr J. Try & talk Mr S into putting at least undies on. Find the yellow undies he requests & get them on him. Give Mr J a quick cuddle. Pick up the toys spewing from the toy room so the Foxtel man can get to the point. Pick up Mr S's now discarded yellow undies. Feed Mr J again & deal with a bit more spew. Get the first load of linen out of the washing machine & onto the line. Get second load of washing in the machine.

Get text from Daddy L saying he just got up.

So that was my morning all the way up to 7am. It can only get better, right?! Im hopeful I'll get a nap this afternoon when Mr S naps...

Hope you all had a better night & morning than I've had!

This did make it a little better tho - gosh my kids are adorable!

Coming and going...the airport roundabout

Aaah, airports.  People coming and going constantly.  People in tears.  Tears of happiness, and tears of sadness.  Living at the opposite end of the country to my family means Mr S has been to various airports A LOT.  He loves the airport.  When he thinks we're picking up Grandma and Pa.  Then there are nights like tonight when we dropped Daddy L off.  Daddy L has been home after being overseas for 6 months for just under 2 weeks.  Mr S was beside himself.  Poor little dude.  How do you explain to a 2 year old that Daddy will only be gone 3 days this time, not half a year??  Mr S was screaming for Daddy half the way home.  Meanwhile Im quietly panicking inside because for the first time I am going to be home alone with both boys.  For a 3 day trip we were all a tad emotional!  I am lucky that my fabulous Mr S is one tough cookie.

Now, back home, Daddy L has boarded, after calling to say goodnight to Mr S (Mr J has slept through the whole thing!).  Mr S has been put to bed.  3 times so far.  Mr J is still sleeping.  I am making myself a second dinner/snack because the first one feels like it was hours ago (probably because it was...).  I am not thinking about the 2 days ahead.  Come on, its just 2 days!  This princess needs to harden up!  

I was blessed to have my Mum staying when I had Mr J, with my Dad arriving a few days later.  They stayed until Daddy L got home from overseas.  I have had limited time (we're talking half a day at most) on my own with both boys.  I know I have to deal with this, oh, FOREVER, but this first time, Im nervous.  I can deal with them both on their own, no dramas, but Im nervous about keeping Mr S in check whilst Im tied down feeding, or pumping. I really dont give him enough credit.  He will probably be fine, and we will have a great time, just the 3 of us.

Right now, I am enjoying watching my TV shows, Mr S in bed, Mr J asleep, and I should have another hour or 2 before anybody needs me.  If I wasnt pumping, I'd be totes having a wine right now!

This post is all a bit rambling, sorry!  So, the important points - 

• Daddy L has left to check out, and possibly buy, a new car (which is sounding less perfect, with little things that may need fixing, but we'll see I guess)
• Im alone with the 2 kids for the first time and a little nervous
• Im having my second dinner
• Kids are sleeping

And now I hear Mr J stirring.... so much for my hour or 2 of peace!

I must be crazy....

So hubby has a car problem. He buys & sells cars like there's no tomorrow. Every time he says the same thing - 'this car is perfect, i won't have to do anything to it, oh maybe just xyx, but I'll keep it for AGES!'  12 months, sometimes less, down the track he's sick of that car. Best sell it, get a new one. Everyone knows (generally speaking) cars are not an investment. You lose money on cars. He is no exception. I dread to think how much we've spent on transfer fees, as well as money lost buying & selling cars in the past 9 years.

Dear old hubby gets home from deployment and says 'i think i want to sell my car'. The car he has had for 12 months, that was PERFECT! Sigh. I play along. I get bitten in the arse. Tonight he finds the new PERFECT car online, 1600km away. The same car as what he has now but with a few fancy extras, and in his favourite colour. His car is currently for sale. For sale - not sold.

Crazy me agrees to let him buy this 'perfect' car, which needs absolutely nothing done to it 'i swear'. That's not even the craziest part. The craziest part is he is flying down tomorrow night, leaving me at home with the 2 kids ON MY OWN for 2 whole nights - may as well say 3 factoring in eta home. Holy crapballs, how am i going to survive?! Mr 2 going on 12 & mr 3 weeks... my first time on my own overnight with both of them. Im a bit terrified!

But we'll have a perfect shiny purple car, so is not all bad ;)  A shiny purple car hubby is keeping until the boys are in high school!!!

Some answers... A long road ahead still

So our first paed surgeon visit is done. Mr J's cleft is in his soft palate & goes into his hard palate. Breastfeeding will continue to be a challenge & we probably won't be able to bf full time. The speech therapist has given us some bottles to try so we will hopefully be able to move on from syringes. Plus side to this is Daddy can do some feeds. Syringe feeding was a struggle for him as his fingers are too big for Mr J's mouth :/

It feels like we have gotten a lot of information, but there is still so much to learn. I am so thankful to be where we are, with a dedicated cleft team, able to see everyone at once in one place. That makes it a hell of a lot easier at least.

Another hearing test fail today too. So waiting to get an appointment with audiology. Hopefully its nothing serious, just some fluid & 'easily fixed'.

In all, I'm feeling much better after our appointments today. And Mr J's first bottle feed has been a success, yay!

Relief in the shower...

You know what its like, so hard it hurts. Your partner in crime unable or unwilling to give you relief. You jump in the shower, as hot as you can handle to try & rub it out.

Now get your mind out if the gutter! I'm talking about a blocked duct. Lactating women holla!! For the last 2 days I've had that horrible pain of a blocked duct. It freaking burns. It hurts to move my arm. It hurts to touch. I can get the blockage out in a hot hot shower & it keeps freaking coming back when I get too full. And of course its in my 'golden boob' that happily gives up 150ml every 2-3hrs. Yes, I make THAT much milk. In one boob. As I sit here now I feel the burn. I'm looking forward to the relief I will get from expressing. I hate expressing but can't deny the relief.

I am more intimate with my pump than my husband these days. Sigh.

D day...

So today we have Mr J's first paediatric surgeon visit to find out when he'll get his surgery to repair his palate. Im looking forward to getting out of this limbo we've been in, but nervous too, its all so real. My baby boy will have surgery. That quite frankly scares the crap out of me.

So it starts....

I guess I should start with a bit of an introduction...
Im Mummy to 2 special litte guys - neither of whom have had the easiest (or hardest!) start to life.  

Mr S is 27 months, and was born at 32+4, and in NICU and SCN for 3 weeks.  He is a blonde haired, blue eyed delightful terror.  He is one of the funniest kids I have ever known.  He drives me insane, and makes me cry with laughter.

Mr J is 2 weeks old, and we actually got to term with him (37+4), but he was born with a cleft palate, so has trouble feeding.  I am a big believer in breastfeeding and Mr S got the good stuff for 22 months.  Mr J is currently trying to breastfeed, but cant get all he needs himself, so I also have to express and syringe feed him a lot of his milk.  It is exhausting.  The poor kid is also a ranga.  He's in for a tough life, haha!

My biggest crazy boy (DH) is in the army, and was deployed for the birth of Mr J.  Army life has many challenges, but that one was probably the hardest.

Sometimes I forget that Im 'more' than just Mum.  That seems to be how I define myself these days.  I forget what else I am, who I am.  I am Mum and Wifey.  I love to read, but havent read anything since Mr J was born.  I watch way too much TV, spend way too much time glued to my couch either on Facebook, feeding, expressing...  Im not a crafty mum, I cant make all that cool stuff you see on Pinterest.  I can bake though!

I've just signed up for the 12wbt, hoping to get a bit active again and get the family eating better.

So I guess this blog, if I remember to keep updating it, will be about my crazy 2 year old (seriously, some of the things he says and does need to be recorded for prosperity!), the upcoming challenges we face with Mr J and surgery etc, maybe some army stuff, and trying to keep myself accountable with the 12wbt.

Fun times ahead?  Maybe!